"Job Requirement Lingo" joke

Used by Employer:
"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect you to dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys do wear earrings.
"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.
"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and must remain that way).
"Some Overtime Required"
Some every night and every weekend.
"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must Have An Eye For Detail"
We have no quality assurance.
"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
"Problem-Solving Skills A Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience"
You'll be required to replace three people who just left.
"Apply In Person"
If you're fat, old or ugly, you'll be advised the position has been filled.
"Team Leadership Skills A Must"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Phrases Used By Applicant:
"I'm honest, hard working and dependable"
I only pilfer office supplies.
"I'm personable"
I give a lot of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I take great pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'm very adaptable"
I've changed jobs very often.
"I'm on the go"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The moment I find a better job, I'm outta here.