"Kewl Job Application!" joke

Q.- NAME:
A.- Iam Applyin
Q.- DESIRED POSITION:
A.- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Q.- DESIRED SALARY:
A.- $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.- EDUCATION:
A.- Yes.
Q.- LAST POSITION HELD:
A.- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.- SALARY:
A.- Less than I'm worth.
Q.- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
A.- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.- REASON FOR LEAVING:
A.- It sucked.
Q.- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
A.- Any.
Q.- PREFERRED HOURS:
A.- 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
A.- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
A.- If I had one, would I be here?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
A.- Of what?
Q.- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
A.- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
Q.- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
A.- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q.- DO YOU SMOKE?:
A.- Only when set on fire.
Q.- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
A.- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Q.- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?:
A.- The nearest hospital comes to mind.
Q.- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
A.- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Sagitarian with Cancer rising.