"Letter Of Apology" joke

A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After The Christmas Party....
(Author Unknown)
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling
of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a
bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office
Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as
this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I
would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf
and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called
you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story
of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler
incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't
hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.
To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you
that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did
until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing.
In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have
ever had.
Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played
on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window
you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed
falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm.
But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of
it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is
cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet
suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard
you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it
makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the
dentist finishes your plates.
Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding
them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also,
I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid
them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the
flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the
time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because
of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it
until all the drinks were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to
all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the
picnic......