"Letters to the President (crude)" joke

Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
- Jimmy Carter
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
- Gary Hart
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
- Hugh Grant
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!
- Mayor Marion Berry
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
- Marv Albert
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
- Frank Gifford
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
- Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
- Bob Dole
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to now that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
- Michael Jackson
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
- Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
- With sympathy, Rob Lowe
Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor)
- HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
- The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine