"Medical Charts" joke

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.