"Medical Record Quotes" joke

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.