"Medical Statements" joke

Your doctor and his staff may be harmful to your health. The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by real physicians. Hmmm, suspicions confirmed...

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

* She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

* The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

* I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

* The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused an autopsy.

* The patient has no past history of suicides.

* The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

* The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1995 when she got a divorce.

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

* Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

* Vomiting of unknown origin.

* Admitted in error.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

* Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.

* If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.