"Men & Marriage One-Liners 7" joke

What’s the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don’t bitch after they cut the yard.

What’s a man’s idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How can you tell good mushrooms from bad ones?
Serve them to your mother-in-law. If she drops dead, they’re good!

Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on board a commercial airliner?
He was arrested for skyjacking!

How are men like vacations?
They never seem to be long enough!

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.

How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.

What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they’re all over you.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50, 000 miles, whichever came first.