"My Apologies" joke

As soon as I entered the office this morning, I sensed a general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a 'son of a bitch' to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's party.
The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and since this is my last day, I have chosen this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am deeply sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to remove the glass jug.
To Martha, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Dan, you old goat, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I never would have done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling four stories.
John, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. Of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is so cold!!
Glen, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Kathy quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.
Diane, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room is that I was drunk. I also want you to know that I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.
To each and every one of you, I am sorry. Setting Lucy's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it saddens me to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.
Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling anyone about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.
Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my very best to come to the picnic...
Rick