"New Definitions" joke

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.
DIVORCE -- Postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- A mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- The ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- Man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- Person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- A person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to thetelephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.