"Occupational Descriptions" joke

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all
the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the
plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which
isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
woman enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/he
liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.