"Ode to being a woman" joke

Everyday I give thanks to God,
I have two mounds upon my bod.

I shave my legs,
sit down to pee,
I can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon,
Can get a massage, without a hard-on.

Can balance the checkbook,
can pump my own gas,
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes,
it takes long,
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles at any cost,
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon,
Every time I have to go to the john.
I don't brag about the size of my "cup",
Hey, put the seat down,
' cause I won't leave it up!

I never forget an important date,
You just gotta deal,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies with lots of gore,
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.

And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday,
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.

Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,
Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.

Don't say to your friends,
"Oh yeah, I can get her",
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
but jewelry's best,
Would you look at my face,
not at my chest!

I don't have a problem expressing my feelings,
I know when you're lying,
you look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,
a babe or a chick,
I am a WOMAN, get it,
you prick?

Let me tell all you men,
Listen to me boys,
Those things in your pants,
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman,
You just ain't SHIT!