"Proud To Be A Senior Citizen..." joke

Life of a Senior Citizen...
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that's just my left leg.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors...Absolutely nothing!
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP...
I'm wondering . . If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom.