"Rejected Hallmark Cards" joke

"How could two people as beautiful as you...
Have such an ugly baby?"
"I must admit, you brought Religion into my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As you grow older Mom, I think of all the things you've given me...
Like the need for therapy... "
"Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you."
"While we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, it's time to keep your promise."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father is?"
"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."
"You look wonderful for your age...
Almost lifelike."
"Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
What was I thinking?"
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep."
"You're such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship with only one life jacket...
I'd miss you lots and think of you often."
"I knew the day would come when you'd leave me for my best friend...
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."