"Rules For Dog Owners (Suggested By Their Dogs)" joke

I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
I will not push my dog away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to.
I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
I will get rid of that cat.
I will not bring home any more cats.
I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
I will share everything I eat with my dog.
I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
I will not leave my dog at home any time I go in the car.
I will allow my dog on the couch.
I will protect my dog from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
I will not hide my dog's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my dog.
I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my dog is a good watchdog.
I will stop referring to my dog's necklace as her "collar."
I will not cut my dog's nails.
I will not abandon my dog for trivial reasons like "going to work".
I will not wake my dog when I come home from work.
I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my dog was sleeping "illegally".
Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my dog.
I will open the back door as soon as my dog sits by it.
I will not laugh at my dog for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
I will not run out of treats.
I will always carry cookies and treats.
I will not make my dog wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
I will not make my dog pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my dog.
I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my dog.
I will try much harder to understand my dog's language.