"Silly Quotes" joke

' Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.'

'Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.'

'Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.'

'Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.' (Gravestone Inscription)

'On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.'

'Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?'

'Trust in God, but lock your car.'

'Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.'

'If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.'

'To err is human. And stupid.'

'A king's castle is his home.'

'Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.'

'Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.'

'Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.'

'If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!'

'Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.'

'High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.'

'You're never too old to learn something stupid.'

'All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.'