"Spinoffs on the I LOVE YOU VIRUS" joke

Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer - if you're willing to pay the right price.
The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.