"Success In Love" joke

To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
We will wake the children... 17 times It's too late... 15 times I'm too tired... 5 times It's too early... 52 times It's too hot... 15 times Pretending to be asleep... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear... 9 times Backache... 2 times Headache... 16 times Sunburnt... 10 times Your mother will hear us... 6 times Not in the mood... 21 times Will wake the baby... 17 times Watching the late TV show... 7 times Too sore... 9 times New hairdo... 4 times Wrong time of the month... 4 times You had to go to the toilet... 9 times
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Your loving husband.
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat... 7 times Didn't come home... 29 times Didn't come... 14 times Came too soon... 26 times Went soft before you got in... 18 times Toes in cramp... 9 times Working late... 49 times Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat... 21 times In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls... 4 times Caught it in your zipper... 6 times Got a cold, your nose keeps running... 14 times Brewer's droop... 95 times Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue... 9 times Had a splinter in your finger... 4 times Lost the notion after thinking about it all day... 13 times Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book... 8 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?"
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.
Your loving wife.