"T-Shirt Sayings" joke

Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead
Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat
Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home
Husbands Should Come With Instructions
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die
Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same
I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949
Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups
(On a baby-size shirt) Party
My Crib
Two A.M.
I Don't Suffer from Insanity... I'm a Carrier
The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley
I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling
I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About
That Was Zen; This Is Tao
Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word
Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs
I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot
When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS
Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican
Disregard Last T-Shirt
I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do
I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get
Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional
I'm Not 50 - I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience
Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension