"The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook" joke

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the
magazine - Aviation Disaster Weekly.
14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual
Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.
12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have
a half-life.
11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his
heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.
10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.
9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling
for *chicken* eggs.
8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread."
Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's
simply "stop your bleeding."
7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.
6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe
as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con
stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors
discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.
4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking
gray hair.
2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and
proceeds to beat you with it.