"The Truth About Wives" joke

The following statements were proven as completely true by a panel of distinguished men (who were immediately clubbed to death by their wives).
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t... there is a clock on the oven.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and you are going to want to shoot it.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog of course. .. at least he’ll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won’t do what she’s told!
Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad at me because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn’t mind, why should she?
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women’s sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake!!