"Things Dogs Must Try To Remember" joke

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.