"Things My Mother taught Me" joke

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you!"