"Things We Hear On Airplanes" joke

On a flight on takeoff from Las Vegas: "Everyone look out the right windows and wave goodbye to your money one last time."

"There's a man up front today celebrating his 95th birthday. So, as you're leaving, please stop and say' Happy Birthday' to the captain."

"Welcome aboard today's flight to Phoenix. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"This is your captain speaking. We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."