"Thoughts to Ponder..." joke

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,' Where the hell is the ceiling?!'

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful, or should that be I'm strange and you're wonderful?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Am I getting smart with you?. ...How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I put the' fun' in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

Does' anal retentive' have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you................

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.