"To My Dear Husband," joke

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to f@ck the cat. ......... 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. .......................... 36 times
3. Did not come. ...................................... 21 times
4. Came too soon. ..................................... 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. .................... 33 times
6. Toes cramped. ...................................... 10 times
7. Working too late. .................................. 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. ................. 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. ... 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. ...................... 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. .......... 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. .................. 3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. ................. 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. ...... 16 times
15. Watching football on TV. ........................... 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. ............................. 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were f***ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!