"Top 40 one-liner" joke

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
9. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
12. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
14. And just how may I screw you over today?
15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
16. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
17. Allow me to introduce my selves.
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
20. Better living through denial.
21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees
& then name streets after them.
23. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
24. Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
25. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
26. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
28. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
29. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
30. Adults are just kids who owe money.
31. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
32. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
33. You say I'm a "b-" like it's a bad thing.
34. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
35. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
39. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
40. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for the friends in my head.