"Torres drowns his sorrows..." joke

I've been fucking this really sexy bird who is a twin.
My mate asked me how I told her apart from the other twin?
I said it was easy. Her brother has a beard.

I accidentally elbowed my wife, splattering her nose across her face.
I always wondered why they called it the funny bone.

When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal...

So I leave the wife and kids at home.

My wife complained that I'm always trying to be someone I'm not.

I'm wondering how the fuck she got into the batcave?

I asked my wife, "What do you want for your birthday, fatty?"
She said, "Don't get lippy."
Mascara it is then.