"T-shirts Seen On Women" joke

My husband could have had any women he pleased-he just couldn't please any!
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I run things at my house! (e. g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc)
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Do not start with me. You will not win.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).