"one-liner" joke

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Well, aren't we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Allow me to introduce myselves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.