leg Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star
hotel and hire a limo for the day. While driving along the road, his
wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that Kangaroo?"
The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting."
Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and
husband says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg
having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and
says, "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel
and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a
drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the
same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg,
ONE WOODEN LEG, masturbating on your steps. Well, what do you have
to say about more...

A farmer is sitting in the local pub inebriated. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? ”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something’s ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back more...

A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!""I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."

Which language is right for you?

Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you more...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local Church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling
asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will
be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times.

When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice
for you?"
he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is more...

The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman."Hows business?" asks the farmer. "Not very good, I havent sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm?" asked the salesman."Well-- The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow, Ill buy a tractor from you!!"

If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?