100 Jokes / Recent Jokes

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer more...

The following are ways to detirmine whether a truck is company owned: 1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears. 2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement. 3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks. 4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks. 5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals. 6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers. 7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing. 8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph. 9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs. 10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up. 11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps. 12. All company trucks have many dents in the more...

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95. Love, Timmy

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

"Dear Santa:
One of the saddest stories at Christmas is how Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, wasn't allowed to join in all the reindeer games. Rudolph became a hero, but we never actually found out what sort of games are reindeer games. What kinds of games are they?"
Well, Peter, there are reindeer games, and then there are The Reindeer Games. It's the difference between playing softball in the park with your buddies, and participating in the Olympics. Anyone can play reindeer games any time they want (even if you're not really a reindeer). But it takes a special sort of deer to have the drive to be in the Reindeer Games.
Again like the Olympics, there are a number of categories in the Reindeer Games, but here are some of the most popular:
LONG JUMP - Since our reindeer can actually fly, you can imagine the distances we get on this one.
100 COUNTRY DASH - Each year, our computers randomly generate a list of 100 countries, and the reindeer see who can more...

$ Michael Jordan having “retired, ” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178, 100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52, 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7. 00, but he’ll make $18, 550 while he’s there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7, 415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He’ll make $3, 710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90, 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2. 00 every second.
$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33, 390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will more...

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