500 Jokes / Recent Jokes

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500, 000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right. .. but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32, 000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it.. but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing more...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:
7th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80, 000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
6th Place:
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74, 000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's more...

A MAN in Delhi made a trunk call to his old friend in Amritsar.' Banta yarr,' he said,' I am in great difficulty. Can you send me Rs 500? I will return them within a month.'
'Hello! Hello!' replied Banta, 1 can't hear you. The line is very faint.'
The friend repeated more loudly,' Send me Rs 50p. I'll return them soon.'
'I can't hear a word,' replied Banta,' you ring me another time.'
The operator who was listening, interrupted,' The line is absolutely clear. Your friend in Delhi wants you to send him Rs 500.'
Banta snapped back at the operator,' If you can hear him clearly, why don't you lend him Rs 500?'

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney? s office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very complex, ” said the lawyer, “but I? ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500. ”
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500, ” the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man? s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well, ” she said to herself, “$500 for half an hour? s work isn? t bad. ”

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, “What are you going to do with the money? ”

“Take jewelry to city and sell it, ” said the old man.

“What have you got for collateral? ” queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

“Don’t know of collateral. ”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles? ”

“Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup. ”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock? ”
“Yes, I have a horse. ”

“How old is it? ”

“I don’t know; it has no teeth. ”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan, ” he said, handing the entire amount including more...