Ability Jokes / Recent Jokes
-==( Forwards beamed into deep space )==-
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an more...
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are more...
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God more...
Leadership is the ability to get men to do what they don't want to do and like it.
To: Jesus Ben Joseph
Regarding: 12 Candidates for management positions.
Dear sir,
Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.
It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.
Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would more...
Sri Lanka now hires very suitable candidates for the post of Members of 2004 parliment. Hurry up and submit your application soon.
Qualifications:
Education: Not required
Age: 18 to 85 years
Skills: A foul mouth and longe tongue, Ability to use illegel firearms, close contacts with underworld gangs, experiene in making small size explosives, ability to stuff ballot boxes with hora votes. Preference will given to those who have a good track record of scams, fruads and money swindlings. Knowledge of damaging the environment with polythene a must.
The following benefits will be offered:
Salary Rs. 22100/= per month
Other allowances legal; Entertainment Rs1000/= pm
Fuel Rs. 7500/=pm Cell phone Rs. 2000/=pm Attending parliment: Rs. 4000/=pm Driver: s. Rs3500/=pm and postage Rs7500pm
Other extra benefits:
Telephone with international connection
Free photocopier, computer and typewriter at duty free rates, permit to import luxury car, more...