Accident Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a more...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...

There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.

"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news.

"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle."

"Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"

"The fellow in the next bed over would like to buy your boots."

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said,' 'St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!'' St. Peter said,' 'My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.'' This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said,' 'Are you sure I'm in the right place?'' 'My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took
place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”The witness: “Yes, sir.”The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?”The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured
it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident,' I'm fine!'." Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to more...