Accountant Jokes / Recent Jokes

Whats the definition of unlikely? A photo-spread in Playboy titled The Worlds Top Accountants - Nude!.

A man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a letter, though he was not good at all at writing.
One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him four things:
A villager died not long ago.
The price of meat has gone up.
The household has employed a new accountant.
His brother's wife is going to have a baby.
When the son had finished, however, the letter read: "A villager died not long ago. The meat sold for 179 silver coins. The household has employed a new accountant. My sister-in-law's belly is getting bigger and bigger." He soon got an angry answer from his brother: "Domestic shame should not be made public. How can the flesh of the dead be sold to others?"

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock. ”
The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, “869. ” The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, “Okay, I’m a man of my word, take an animal. ” The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait, ” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation. ” The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government, ” says the shepherd.
“Amazing! ” responds the man. “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that? ”
“Well, ” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you. ”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch."I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""How do you mean?" says the accountant."I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.""OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?""You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner."Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?""That," says the man, "is your first worry."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself. ” The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome, ” he tells St. Peter. “It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young, ” says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40. ” St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right - we’ve seen your time sheets! ”