Act Jokes / Recent Jokes
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, more...
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them.
Oral Sex Oral Argument Will the justices know it when they see it?
'But Ginsburg suggested Lewinsky may say she and Clinton engaged in an act other than intercourse.' What's the president's definition of sex?' he asked in an interview minutes after Clinton's statement.'
--USA Today, Jan. 27, 1998
Justice O'Connor: I am trying to get my mind around this theory, Counselor.
Mr. Bennett: Yes, Your Honor.
Justice O'Connor: You say it was not sex? Though the affidavit and counsel all attest that she. .. did as the affidavit attests?
Mr. Bennett: Your honor, we are proposing that not everything that looks like sex is sex and that some things that do not look like sex are in fact sex. To me, ministering to a person's toes in a particular way does not look like sex, but I am reliably told it is sex. On the other hand, say you visit your doctor and your doctor fingers your anatomy, to find lumps or sores or whatever. That's not more...
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Too Can Do Housework 3. Resistance to Beer 4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards) 6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks") 9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook 10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You, The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons To Give Flowers 15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb 16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please 17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat 18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies 19. How To Go Shopping With more...
These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I`m married with 9 children. I don`t require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don`t let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I`m a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I`ve made money and lost money. I`ve been rich and I`ve been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don`t misconstrue my 14 jobs as `job-hopping`. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8: 45 every morning. Couldn`t work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY more...