Action Jokes / Recent Jokes

New, from Mattel...!
[ANNOUNCER]
New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!
[VOICE OVER]
[child #1]
"Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
getting away!"
[whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."
[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
"Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"
[ANNOUNCER]
Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.
[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]
He's back from the dead and he's pissed.
[VOICE OVER]
[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?"
[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even more...

Beer Troubleshooting ***
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. more...

NASHVILLE, TN — With sales of "God Bless The U.S.A." waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. "Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled," Greenwood said.
"Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations."
Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, more...

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old more...