Admit Jokes / Recent Jokes

I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell, until I met you.

Questions Ken Starr Has for the President
"Let's speed this up-who *haven't* you nailed?"
"Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!! What's it like?
Is it fun?"
"Can I have some of those fries?"
"Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty
cool?"
"Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!"
"Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving
end of a probe for a change?"
"Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does
THIS one remind you of anything besides a breast?"
"Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you
know butt-ugly?"
"Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"
"Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his' problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said,' this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day more...

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter --------------------- Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ---------------------- My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ---------------------- Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry ---------------------- Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my more...

Facts about Americans. Did you know that...Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - more...

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
29% of us are virgins when we marry.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% more...

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentaly pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but don't more...