Adult Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,' Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,' Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,' Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love.' The police chief smiled and said;' Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is ok.'

'Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!'

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, more...

There were these two 95-year-old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!"

"What's your hurry?" asks the other.

"Me and the wife are having sex again today."

"Again? How often do you have sex?"

"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is - Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.

As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.

"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread."

"I'll take it all," the old man blurts out.

The lady was surprised and says, "All of it? It will get hard."

The old man replies, "Why does everyone know about this but me?!"

Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room.
There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.
In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, "Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I've got to get to her NOW!"
The other guy says, "O. K. Do you want me to come with you?"
"What the hell for?" asks the other.
"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" he says.

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, more...

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said,' I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,' It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied,' You mean it shows that, too?'

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"