Advice Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What advice to cows give? Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
A man, called in for an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant and his lawyer what he should wear. "Wear casual clothing and an old pair of shoes. Don't let them think you are a wealthy man," the accountant replied.
The lawyer disagreed. "Wear your best suit and tie," he said. "Don't let them think they can intimidate you."
Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your most sexy, sheer negligee!"
"But Reverend," the man protested, "What does that have to do with the IRS?"
"It doesn't matter what you wear," more...
With apologies to Mr. Roosevelt, good advice for young investor of today is, "Walk softly, but carry a big portfolio."
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny’s mind quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, “Lenny - we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are. ”
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn’t tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, “Hey, can you tell us where we are? ” The man on the ground yelledback, “You’re in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air. ”
George Called down to the man, “You must be a lawyer. ” “Gee, George, ” Lenny replied, “How can you tell? ” George answered, “Because the advice he more...
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm."If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it. If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"