Agent Jokes / Recent Jokes
Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what`s your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"`S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I`m sorry kid, you`re gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another more...
Submitted by Darcy
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the more...
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same more...
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on theplane when another man sat down in the aisle seat
and put his blackLabrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the
man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he is a DEA
agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name
is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I puthim to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out,
the agent says:
"Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and
finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's
arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That more...
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about more...
John who was not very well paid, yet who had several children learned a distressing piece of news from his wife Linda. The next morning he called his insurance agent to ask a weighty question, to which the insurance agent replied, "No, John, Linda`s pregnancy is not covered by your accident policy."
Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters.
The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses.
Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent.
"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."