Ahead Jokes / Recent Jokes

Percival Beauregard and Billy-Bob Brown were equally wealthy and were next-door neighbors. Percival was suave, sophisticated, aristocratic and Billy-Bob was common as dirt.
However, he was well aware of his shortcomings, kept a close eye on Percival and was determined not to be outdone in any way.
When he found out the name of Percival's tailor, he had his suits made there too. He soon became a member of Percival's exclusive country-club, installed an identical electronically controlled pool, bought the same type of Rolls-Royce Percival drove and had the same kind of car-phone installed.
After watching for several months, he was satisfied there wasn't anything Percival had that he didn't have too.
Cruising along in his Rolls, he spotted Percival driving in the lane ahead of him. Anxious to let Percival know he wasn't being outdone, Billy-Bob dialed his number and began chatting with him.
Suddenly, Percival interrupted him and said, "Billy-Bob, would you mind more...

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after more...

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or more...

Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team. BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes. LOU: Well, then who's playin' first. BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base. BUD: Who. LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis. BUD: Who. LOU: The guy on first base. BUD: Who is on first. LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling more...

It is not the moutain ahead that's wearing me out, it's the grain of sand in my shoe.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY
Pity us men...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a more...

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUYPity us men... If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.If you thump her, it's wife bashing.If she thumps you, it's self defense.If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.If you ask her to do something more...