Ahead Jokes / Recent Jokes
John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts." -David Letterman
"John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg." -Jay Leno
"Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president?" -Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, "Late Show With David Letterman"
"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." -Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush more...
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous more...
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?"
He says "Soon, I have some things to take care of."
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?"
St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend more...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don`t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it`s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it`s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it`s male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don`t, you are an insensitive jerk.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she`s liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn`t enjoy, that`s more...
The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.
Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bar man said straight ahead.
The third little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said "OK".
Then the Bar man said "I suppose you want to use the toilet", but the third little pig said "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home".
One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks ''Can I get into heaven now?''
He says ''Soon, I have some things to take care of.''
So St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked ''St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?''
St Peter replies ''Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes.
Hillary asks ''Where's my husbands clock?'' St. Peter replies ''Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan.''