Airplane Jokes / Recent Jokes

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. There may be 50 ways to leave more...

Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it!
In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it!
Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency!
When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?" *FART!*
You think, "Ah, that wasn't too horrifying; in fact, in an odd way, it's actually rather pleasant. I think they'll enjoy the rest of this baby!"
And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a Foot Locker! A fart that could end a marriage.
And everyone more...

Gore, Nader, and Bush are on an airplane. Nader throws $100 dollars in one-dollar bills off the plane. "I just made one hundred people happy!," he exclaims with pride.
George Bush throws $1,000,000 in one-dollar bills off the plane. "I just made one-million Americans happy," he boasts, turning to Gore.
Without hesitation, Gore picks Bush up and throws him off the plane. "I just made the world happy."

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."
"Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied.
The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars."
Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his more...

Two air traffic controllers collided in the tower at New York's La Guardia airport. The men involved in the incident were both focusing their attention on donuts and coffee they were individually carrying when they crashed into each other, spilling the contents on a radar machine and short-circuiting it. The controllers however, did not follow FAA regulations by reporting the incident and instead relied on binoculars to observe air traffic at the busy airport. As a result, all 10,000 air traffic controllers nationwide are being required to retrain in the proper procedure of holding a donut and coffee mug so as not to disrupt operations. "We feel secure that flying will be safe again after the retraining is completed," an FAA official said in Washington.

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminaland he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with along white beard, long white hair and carrying two stonetablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,"Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to himand continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren'tyou Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, eventurning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man'sarm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not sayingshit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roamingthe desert for 40 years!"