Alan Jokes / Recent Jokes
Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.' Wow, Debbie,' Alan says.' Your butt is getting really wide.'' No, it's not!' Debbie says. Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.' Your butt is getting so big that it's almost wider than the grill!' Alan says. He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.' Ha,' Alan says.' Your butt's the same exact size as the grill!' Debbie ignores Alan's comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, they're lying in bed watching television.' I could sure use some lovin',' Alan says. Debbie looks over at him and yells,' Don't think for one minute that I'm going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!'
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alan!
Alan who?
Alan a good cause! Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alan!
Alan who?
Alan't my lesson!
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a more...
A NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display. Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display." Walking further, the individual came upon Dale Earnhardt's car - a seasoned veteran of the sport. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Dale Earnhardt is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!? "No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Dale use it on weekends."
On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please more...
Three sons
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can`t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he`s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”