Alarm Jokes / Recent Jokes

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping more...

Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...

Alarm clock: a small, mechanical device to wake up people without children.

a blonde brunett and a redhead were all about to die. so first comes the brunett and the killers say ready aim and she yells earthquake so they all run and duck for cover she escapes.
so they all come back after they found out it was a false alarm. and now its the red heads turn ready aim and she yells tornado again they all run and duck for cover.
once they find out its a false alarm they come back. now its the blondes turn and they say ready aim and she screams fire.

I'm a very law-abiding person. The law says that at 2: 00 AM on Sunday, September 31, we must set our clocks back an hour.
I set my alarm clock to 2: 00. When it went off, I got up and set all my clocks back an hour. Then I went back to sleep.
It seemed like just a short time, when the alarm woke me up. It was 2: 00. I got up and set all my clocks back an hour.
Then I went back to sleep. The alarm woke me up. It was 2: 00. I got up and set all my clocks back an hour. Then I went back to sleep.
The alarm woke me up.
Help!!!!

Knock-Knock,
Who's there?
Alarm.
Alarm who?
Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!

A COMMONLY seen warning sign on public transport buses reads:
Look under your seat, there could be a bomb. Raise alarm. Earn reward.
A chartered bus meant for college-going girls had the warning altered:
Look under your seat; it may be a boy. Don't raise alarm; take him home as a reward.