Alert Jokes / Recent Jokes
A young priest complained to his senior, that in the course of his sermon, he observed many in the congregation slept. The senior advised him to shock the congregation, "Mention that you slept in the arms of another man's wife. When they are fully alert mention that it was your mother." So the next Sunday, finding the congregation asleep he mentioned that last night he slept in the arms of another man's wife. When the congregation was fully alert, the priest became nervous and said, he had forgotten the name of the woman.
1.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2.Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3.On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6.Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7.Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8.The patient refused autopsy.
9.The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10.Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12.Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13.Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14.She is numb from her toes down.
15.While in ER, more...
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her more...
*** Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and more...
*** Actual "bloopers" Doctor's have written on patient charts. ***1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.8. The patient refused an autopsy.9. The patient has no past history of suicides.10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.13. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I more...
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet more...