Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers... and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life....
I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that more...

You know you`re a nurse if... Almost everything can seem humorous. .. eventually.

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7 -11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the more...

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm more...

An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
Almost immediately all the men stood up.
"Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
Almost immediately all the women stood up.
"Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Almost immediately, half the women stood up.
"NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
Immediately all the Nuns stood up...

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn`t it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it`s new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?