Announced Jokes / Recent Jokes

When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt LakeCity, Utah, a womantold the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of theMormon religionwhere husbands believe its OK to have more than one wife." Thatstrue," he replied, "asa matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives.""Howdisgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, suchpractices should be againstthe law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,"Yes, mam I am."

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Lance Bass announced he is gay and is in a very stable relationship with a reality TV star.
In other news, President Bush announced what he described as the "most ambitious initiative" of his presidency: finding someone in the world who was surprised to find out Lance Bass is gay.

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.
So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.
People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.
Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you'll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?"
"Yes," Reggie said, "but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a more...

PRESS RELEASE
Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply more...

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.""What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets.""Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies Work jokes will never let me live this one down."An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, more...